How Do I Tell My Child?

Helping children with the loss of a pet

For many children, the loss of pet is their first experience with death. Although this can be very painful for them, it is an excellent opportunity to teach your child about love and loss.

It is important to include children in the death process (especially if over 5 years of age). Children need to know that they are included in all aspects of the family whether good or bad.

When explaining the death, ask the child questions to determine their level of understanding. Work on the child’s level – not yours. If the death of the pet was due to something that the child did, reassure them that it was an accident and not done on purpose. Explain to them that we learn from our mistakes.

Need additional resources?

We have multiple articles available to aid you in your grief journey.

Browse Articles

How Children React By Age (generalizations)

Babies (0 – 2 years of age)

Although they do not understand death or grief, babies do feel the stress of the family.
Extra cuddles and playtime may help.

Toddler (2 – 3 years of age)

Do not understand the concept of death.
Respond to family stress. Will react as the family reacts.
React with curiosity.
Tell them that the pet died and it will not be back.
Reassure that them that they did nothing wrong.

Preschool (4 – 6 years of age)

Death is viewed as temporary (cartoons/fairy tales).
Death is like sleep.
May fear that they did something to cause the death.
May react with intense anger.
May display some change in play, eating and sleeping habits.
Allow them to help with funeral plans.

Early School Age (7 – 9 years of age)

Understands the permanence of death and that the pet will not return.
Still believe in magic.
May think that it is their fault that the pet died – that they are being punished for something they did.
May ask morbid questions. Answer the questions honestly and age appropriately.
May be concerned about loved ones dying also.
May have problems in school, be clingy or withdraw.

School age (10 - 11 years of age)

Understands death and that all living things eventually die.
Reaction is similar to adults.

Adolescents (12 – 14 years of age)

Reaction similar to adults.
May show great range of emotion from being overly emotional to nonchalant.

Young Adults (15 years of age and up)

Pet loss can be very difficult because they may have had the pet for most of their lives.
May feel guilty that they did not spend enough time with the animal due to increased activities (leaving home for school or marriage).

Helping a Child Work Through Their Grief

Children must learn that death is a natural part of life. It can be very sad but it is not bad or to be feared. Share your feelings and your tears so children learn that grief is normal. Do not put off telling the child.

Here are some recommended practices to help your child:

Allow your child to express their feelings. Being sad is normal and should never be ridiculed.
Provide lots of love and reassurance.
Hold a ceremony. Allow the child to help with the planning.
Make a scrapbook of favorite photos and stories about happy time with the pet. This will help the child to keep the memories positive and happy.
Books for children on death.
Visit an animal shelter – not to adopt. Simply to look at the animals and discuss how they feel. Take along donations for the animals.
Be sure to tell the child’s teacher.
Don’t rush to get a new pet. Each family member must be given the time to grieve.

Although we try to protect our children from stress and sadness, when it comes to death, it is best to use age appropriate honesty.

Here are some statements that you should avoid:

“God loved your pet so much that he wanted the pet in heaven.” The child may wonder if God will take them.
“The pet got sick and died.” Try not to use sick and died in the same sentence. This can be upsetting if anyone the child knows becomes ill.
“The pet went to sleep.” This can cause the child to be afraid to go to sleep.
“The pet ran (or went) away.” Eventually, the truth will come out and there could be a lack of trust with the child.